It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i believe in u and ur pee
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
