can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
