apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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