I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
