I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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