So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
