I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
