I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
