The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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