my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
