do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
