Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
