Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
