...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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