and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
