Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
