I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
