People with herpes should wear stickers.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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