Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
