goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
