Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
