I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
