So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
