Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
