stop calling my apartment porn island.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
