I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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