I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
