Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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