seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
