end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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