Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
