Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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