I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
