She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
