I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
