Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
