Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
