I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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