Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
