420 ftw
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
