the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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