You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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