He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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