it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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