WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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