I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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