its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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