Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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