I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
