I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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