I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
