I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
